


xv; I'd Hoped I Would Find you Again

by Theo_Thaur



Series: 31 Days of TUA Whump [15]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Grief/Mourning, One Shot, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whumptober 2020, such a big house and there's no space for healthy coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:26:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27085558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theo_Thaur/pseuds/Theo_Thaur
Summary: No 15. "INTO THE UNKNOWN": Possession, Magical Healing.-----Klaus and Vanya attempt to raise Ben from the dead, incidentally neither of them are on medication.(AU: Ben goes to the light immediately following his death.)
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Vanya Hargreeves
Series: 31 Days of TUA Whump [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951234
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	xv; I'd Hoped I Would Find you Again

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGERS: explicit/prolonged mention of drug use, grief, going off of & misusing medication, death, bad coping mechanisms.

_ xv; I'd Hoped I Would Find you Again _

Ben's death meant different things to different people. As with when Five had disappeared, Reginald went about the following week or so with a particular disappointment towards everyone that never entirely went away. Conditions had only gotten worse following the former disappearance, but Reginald's reaction to Ben's death seemed much more bitter than what Vanya could remember of Five's absence. 

Although her judgement was imperfect, because she'd spent a long period of time after the disappearance being hopeful. It had seemed less grim, Reginald's behaviors were watched through a lense of expecting it to end. It didn't seem fair to call it 'denial'. Children hope for things constantly. She'd waited, making note of the days and assuring herself that within a month, Five would be back, because a month was so  _ long,  _ because he had to come back in that time. A month was plenty of time to wait, but in the meantime she kept lights on. Vanya made fluffernutters and left them outside of Five's door, for whenever he'd blink into his room and feel ready to emerge. The first week following Five's death, she'd take the sandwich away only to make another, so Five always had a fresh one ready. Then she started only putting them out at night, after brushing her teeth. Eventually, the sandwiches that avoided being stepped on were tucked away in the fridge, by Grace. Vanya had been upset the first time Grace put the sandwich away, but eventually she just let it happen. She had trained herself into not getting excited when she didn't see the sandwich by Five's door, assuming Grace had taken it. 

Children hoped. But there was no ambiguity in Ben's death, although she hadn't witnessed it. There was no place left to keep the hope. Vanya was sure that should've made grieving easier, she could just quash the feeling of wanting to try and solve the problem, because it was open and closed. She was older. She knew she should understand that some things couldn't be put back together, some things were made to stay broken because life was cruel. Five's death echoed in her mind, with the walls seeming to close in as there were fewer people to turn to. At least, she didn't have to spend every night wondering why Ben wasn't there, why Ben couldn't come back. Vanya didn't wonder if Ben had gone because he had it better somewhere else.

She devoted herself more than ever to her studies and music, taking her pills whenever the emotions felt like they were just starting to boil over. Reginald had her prescription refilled without question, despite the occurrences of her running out coming more and more often. 

Ben had meant something to her. They'd been fairly close, although Vanya had never been allowed to play with the others as she was not special. So, they'd been about as close as they could've, suggesting each other books and lingering in the attic hallway to talk. Occasionally Vanya would give Ben a piece of information to help fuel a harmless prank, she knew if she told Ben it wouldn't ever go too far, and Ben never pressured her for information. It was gratifying to have some possible gain from being reduced to just watching a lot of what her family did. Even knowing she'd quietly had a hand in a well-timed prank --to which the prankee would usually be utterly confused as to how Ben found out--, was somehow pleasing, if just vicarious. 

Five meant something too, although the passion with which she could think of him was dulled, either through time or medication. She remembered how he'd encouraged her to find things she did well at, knowing she'd never be able to be powerful in the way everyone else was. She'd been someone he could confide to, anywhere from a frustration to his wildest theories. They snuck off and made time for each other, just as she had learned to do for Ben.

After the death, it was harder to know where to look. Trying to spend time with the others, Vanya found that they were different then the people she remembered. Luther took more of Reginald's harsh words, and Reginald was just as ready to give them. Luther seemed prepared to give every piece of himself for something bigger, to lose himself entirely. Diego on the other hand snapped more often, the divides seemed bigger. Luther and Diego had always been polarised, but it was louder. Allison took enjoyment in controlling every part of her life that she could, planning and exercising and rumoring until she had her way. 

Klaus' behaviors just seemed to gain more traction. He tried to sneak out and didn't seem to care whether it worked or whether he was caught --or whether Reginald let it happen. Klaus was up in his room as much as possible, and never paid mind to the new empty seat at mealtimes. 

Adults didn't hope. But Klaus was all she had.

It had started out small enough, Vanya had told herself maybe it would be good to try and mourn  _ with _ Klaus, because Klaus had played a role in Ben's life. They'd known two different sides of the same person, from what Vanya recalled Ben had always been a bit harsher with Klaus, in the way friends that were comfortable with each other could be mean. Close friends didn't worry about hurting the other person's feelings. Ben, though blunt, had always treated her more carefully, as if his full personality was just too strong to handle. Vanya wished he hadn't acted that way but it wasn't the kind of thing you could put into words to ask for, and even if she could've, she wouldn't have. She didn't want to be turned down, avoiding conflict to avoid rejection. They knew each other somewhat peripherally, Klaus had made a few jokes about wishing he could've been the one to not have powers, and that was the type of interaction that had stuck with Vanya the most.

She decided to approach him during their study time. Reginald didn't watch them study, but she knew to keep her voice down anyways. Mom didn't much mind if they talked quietly, and were respectful. Instead, she kept her voice down so as to not wake Pogo, who had been falling asleep during studies more and more often. 

"Do you miss Ben?" She asked softly, having chosen a spot beside Klaus in the study. Klaus kept his eyes down blankly on his book, a hefty piece written during the time of Jack the Ripper. She was certain he wasn't actually reading it, because he'd scanned the same paragraph dozens of times without turning a page. 

"I don't know," Klaus sighed. He had also learned to keep his voice down, either that or he was coping with a hangover. "He was different around me. A pain in the ass." Vanya nodded.

"But… you can still miss someone even if you didn't like everything about them," she suggested.

"Oh, I guess so," Klaus answered. For once, he seemed to be having trouble talking. It was probably because this was about Ben, because Klaus always avoided talking about difficult things. Vanya didn't blame him for that, because she wasn't sure she was much better. "But I guess he's up in that… big bookstore in the sky," Klaus face quirked into a mix of 'choked up' and amusement, like he didn't know which to settle on. "I hope he gets a ton of papercuts." He turned the page of the book, which Vanya was sure was purely ornamental.

"Haven't you tried to go see him?"

Klaus laughed bitterly. "You couldn't pay me to chase after Ben Hargreeves. He's, he  _ was _ , too nitpicky anyways. I don't need him clogging my  _ aura _ , okay? I know you guys always used to nerd out together upstairs, but not everyone needs to have, like, a profound connection to that shitstain." Seeming happy with that answer, Klaus brushed a hand through his hair, looking down at the book.

"You too were close, though," Vanya noted carefully, trying to sound detached. She didn't want Klaus to blow up on her, the idea of that alone made her nervous. Klaus shrugged, a twitch-y, forced movement that didn't show true nonchalance.

"Everyone in this house sucks, he's the best I had," Klaus answered. She felt a pang in her heart but didn't say anything to defend herself, or ask if he was sure about that. "Sorry," he added a moment later, but he didn't look up at Vanya when he said it. Klaus rubbed at his face, at his eyes.

"Maybe we should try and bring him back." Klaus snorted.

" _ We? _ " he repeated.

"You," she amended. Klaus sniffed, turning another page, his head so deeply looking down the book on his lap that it was beginning to come across as suspicious.

"Bringing someone back from the dead… I faked it a couple times for You-Know-Who, but I can't do that shit, I mean, I don't even want to," Klaus' voice cracked slightly. "...The ghosts can just stay on their corner and leave me out of it," he added with a stronger voice.

"He's not just a ghost. He was your friend," she was trying to leverage it before she fully realized that was the direction she'd been pulling in.

"Why are you getting in my business? Haven't been sucking down your meds?" Klaus asked. Vanya didn't want to answer that. She'd  _ been _ taking them, and could take more, but… a part of her wanted to hurt. It was neither good nor bad in her mind to let herself do this. She needed to feel, didn't she? And if she wanted to run herself off a cliff and be free and self-destructive, then maybe that's what she would do. "If Reginald bought me stuff to pop like candies I'd be doing it every day," Klaus noted, laughing, when Vanya said nothing.

"Okay," she said on a whim, "I'll give you the rest of my bottle if you bring Ben back." Klaus was so surprised, he looked up at her, teary-eyed and red faced. 

"What?" He asked.

"My pills. You can have the rest," she answered, feeling suddenly unsure now that she had to repeat herself.  _ That's the kind of thing Klaus would want, right? _ She didn't really know, it wasn't her scene, unsurprisingly.

"Don't you need them?" He was more apprehensive about this than Vanya would've guessed, she thought he would snap at the offer if he wanted pills. What was he holding back from? Vanya didn't really know what her medication did, she'd just always taken it when she got too emotional, and Reginald had vaguely told her it was to keep her from being sick. She wasn't really thinking though, she wanted Ben back, she didn't care if she needed medication to live. She'd been off it for a few hours anyways, after not taking any in the morning. What was the worst that could happen?

"Do you really care?" Vanya asked. Klaus didn't say anything for a long time, looking away and drumming his fingers on his book, the small typeface jittering as he did so. 

He sighed. "No, guess not." Vanya wasn't sure if she should be happy or sad about that. It was what it was. Her goal had been decided already, she'd get Ben back, she couldn't lose another friend. For someone that had embraced the idea of loneliness, found comfort in a sense of independence even when everything about her was crushed for not being powerful enough… It was much easier than she'd thought to make someone into a habit, even though she'd promised she wouldn't do that again, months after Five's disappearance. This was the one selfish thing she would do; Ben had to come back for her, she would make it so with anything she could bargain.

She just had more at her disposal than she'd had as a child. Vanya didn't need hope.

"Do you… need anything first?" She ventured to ask, wanting to make this happen as soon as possible.

"Oh, yeah,  _ just _ getting sober," Klaus answered sarcastically. "...I should need about two days," he decided. "Wait, how many pills do you have left?"

"Uhm, at least like, ninety?" It wasn't easy to give a number on, Vanya more often found herself down to twenty very suddenly, feeling as if the last time she looked through the orange-yellow plastic she'd been at one hundred and twenty.

"Really?" Klaus sounded surprised. "That's… so much more than I was thinking. Great!" 

Vanya shrugged. "I guess you were never really looking," she replied weakly.

"...Maybe just a little. A few times," Klaus admitted, though he hadn't been pressed to do so. Vanya chose to ignore that, opening up her book, one of music theory. 

  
  


\------*´｡*ﾟ

  
  


Two days passed. Vanya kept herself off of her medication because she felt like she'd made a promise to Klaus, to give him a certain amount. She didn't want to be turned away last minute, thinking about taking pills quickly made her feel anxious and guilty, even if Klaus might not miss a few gone. She wasn't prepared to make any mistakes, and knew Klaus could be touchy about things. Since he was getting sober for their deal, that would only make it more true, and Vanya didn't know if Klaus was going to choose sobriety a second time just to give her another chance. 

During dinner, Klaus faked a stomach ache with alarming accuracy, which only led Vanya to further believe Klaus had used his acting skills to fake ailments in the past. It was so well-executed that Reginald appeared disgusted by Klaus' moaning and body language, and Klaus was excused early from the dinner table. He didn't make himself seen at all for the rest of the night, and instead Allison, Luther, and Diego joined Vanya in the attic bathroom to prepare for bed. It wasn't an easy task, Diego especially grumbled about it and knocked shoulders with Luther --purposeful or not-- when he went to spit out his toothpaste. Vanya didn't bother putting on her night clothes, the time had long passed since they were expected to be bunched up and say goodnight to Reginald while he was at his study. She'd discovered by accident a few years ago that Reginald didn't much check up on her, after he'd taken her heart rate monitor off to go to the bathroom in the dead of night, and forgotten to put it back on for the rest of the night. Vanya had pushed her luck in small ways since, maybe she'd been hoping something would change and he'd notice. But from getting up and out of her bed to read, to wandering the hallways, nothing got his attention. It was just an unspoken confirmation that she really meant nothing to him, the wiring had just been to make her think she fit in. Actually, Reginald hadn't really cared about that, it was probably just to keep Klaus or Diego from complaining Vanya didn't have to be monitored.

The nights were starting to become longer, which meant nightfall came quicker. Vanya used the time rather than the sky as her reference, waiting until it was half an hour after curfew to rise out of bed. She was nervous. To be sure, she'd gotten up in the night before, but had never gone against curfew to do something that was actually 'wrong'. This was too important for her to get cold feet, though. Creeping down from the attic, she sought out the bathroom of the lower bedroom floor. She knocked quietly on the door and suddenly Klaus made loud gagging noises, which were obviously performative. "It's Vanya," she said, which made Klaus stop almost immediately. He opened the door, still in his academy uniform. His face was sweaty and he looked oddly tired. Not relaxed, or comfortable, but like there was this great, serious emptiness. Klaus looked like he'd been crying violently, large red circles rubbed into his eyes from the pressure with which he wiped away tears. Vanya backed away from the very different version of Klaus, but Klaus didn't seem to notice her reaction.

"Thought you were Diego. Sorry," he said, voice a little scratchy. They tiptoed downstairs. The company didn't make her feel less on edge, especially as Klaus stumbled over himself and nearly tripped at one point. With any luck, Klaus could keep quiet, and Reginald wouldn't think much of Klaus not being in bed by curfew, presuming him still nursing a stomachache. It was the most nerve-racking to deal with Grace, who never had a room to retreat to and didn't require sleep --they avoided the portrait area entirely, knowing she'd probably be there. There was a slim chance she'd be working into the late night, but as they edged open the door out into the courtyard, they were safe for the time being. 

It had snowed the day Ben died, a bit of an outlier as far as weather went, but they'd eased further into winter since. None of them had been present to watch the grave be lowered into the dirt, or covered with soil, likely out of some tradition of Reginald's. If not for tradition, Vanya suspected they would've all been made to watch Ben's coffin go underground as some kind of lesson. She still remembered how the glossy black box had sat atop the delicate snow, the picture of Ben's face staring up at the sky. She'd tried to comfort them after Pogo, Grace, and Reginald had left. She remembered what Diego had said to her.

_ "How would you know, Vanya? You weren't even on the mission." _

It still hurt, but she wished she hadn't left the coffin, petty as it sounded to care. At the time she'd ran from conflict like usual, excusing it as not wanting to fight around Ben's dead body. Vanya didn't want to feel that weak again. Funny thing about her medications, they made her much more impulsive. Although somewhat shielded from wind, the scrawny courtyard was still cold. Aside from a few trees, the only vegetation that grew was frost-covered ivy, climbing up bricks. Perhaps one day the leaves might be able to strangle the mortar, perhaps one day the academy would crumble.

Starlight and moonlight fell down into the enclosed courtyard, making everything appear shadow-y. Klaus stood beside her, seeming much more uncomfortable in the crisp night air. He too had cared for Ben, and like Vanya, felt a personal loss much stronger than a loss to the team, or a loss of self-confidence as a leader. It had been harder to see, covered up by jokes, Klaus' usual addictions blurring the line between what was normal and what was unusually self-destructive. Klaus had never needed another thing to disguise him as an enigma, and yet he had one. They both watched the freshly turned over soil, the area where blades of crabgrass didn't poke through snow. Vanya kept expecting Klaus to say something, to crack a joke, so she looked between the plot of land and him. But she supposed the sobriety that granted Klaus his powers also made the world look different. 

"Do you think you can do it?" she asked. Klaus nodded. 

"I think I should try," he answered. "I mean, I don't wanna have done all this for nothing," Klaus tried to laugh at himself but found he couldn't. Vanya offered a smile though it wasn't much of a joke. Klaus held his palms out in front of himself, studying them. His hands shook, and Vanya believed it was about more than just the cold, but it wasn't her place to say anything to anyone else. She kept her secrets, always had and always would. It'd be no surprise if she tried to bring it up later with Klaus and was pushed away. Vanya focused her own mind, though it couldn't do very much. She thought about Ben, about the musty smell of the attic and the warmth in his smile that matched the sunshine-y heat of summer by the rafters. She hadn't ever felt small with him, they were as equals even with her being so uninvolved in the academy. He opened up about hardships on missions, about what it felt like to let go of the Horror. The descriptions he'd used had always been so vivid, so clear-cut. Somehow hearing about the ways that Reginald treated Ben had made Vanya feel less alone. It was different, she had been given the title of useless, whereas Ben had received the expectation of extreme usefulness that needed to be explored and exploited. Ben had dreams just like the rest of them, though they'd changed over the years naturally. Last Vanya had heard, he'd wanted to be a journalist. He'd wanted to live a normal life, as ironic as that confession fell on her ears. 

Blue enveloped Klaus' tremoring fists, a sight that didn't fail to remind her of Five, because Five's powers had appeared so similarly, and he'd used them around the house. It was like that for a minute, but Klaus' body went lack, sagging, the burst of color dying down and leaving them in the pale light. "I can't do it," Klaus said, unprompted, staring out ahead. "There's nothing there, when I try and pull there's nothing--," he cut himself off, hands wrapping around his skull. "Everything else is so fucking  _ loud!  _ Every ghost but Ben is here, I guess he couldn't bother showing up, the dickwad," he hissed, rocking as he held his head, taking an uncertain step back, like that would help him escape. Vanya didn't know how to help him, but she was concerned, moving closer to put a hand over his. Klaus let go of his head only to push her away roughly. She didn't take it personally that he was lashing out. He was sober because of her, because she'd asked, because she couldn't bring back Ben on her own just like she couldn't have stopped Ben's death. It was all so irritating and insurmountable when all Vanya wanted was to never think about Ben again, or to actually feel the true extent of happiness, of belonging, that hoarding memories would never give her. It was all just piling up in her mind, one thing after another, because she could never make anyone  _ stay.  _ People moved all around her and she'd never truly know what they felt, because every waking second she wasn't like them. No matter what she did she could never make someone stay. The snow crunched under her feet as she paced around Ben's grave, her temples hurt and so did her heart. Vanya knew in the back of her mind that she was only getting worse and she wished she'd just stayed on her medications like she was supposed to. Ben would've known what to do, how to help Klaus and not be so selfish. 

It wasn't that Vanya hoped, hope was for children. Hope was for the days following Five's disappearance and wondering what would be the first thing Five said when he got back. Hope was for not wanting to open Five's door even as she passed by it, because if she left that door closed, then maybe there was still a chance Five was in there, gelling his hair and getting ready to say that he'd proved Reginald wrong about time travel.

No, she didn't hope. But a deeper part of herself called out, reached for the one thing she felt she acutely needed in that moment --Ben. The world that had been collapsing around her, the invasive whirlwind of thoughts, all seemed to compact into a fever pitch of wind, wind that should not be blowing so hard in the enclosed space. It picked up flurries of snow and rattled dry leaves, which skidded and crackled against the tall brick walls surrounding the courtyard.

Vanya blinked through tears that had risen in her eyes, straining through the swirl of the lights and textures to see the warm glow of  _ something _ , like fireflies. They fell into the air and dissipated above the packed soil. As if lit suddenly like a match, Klaus' hands, which still cupped at his head, shifted blue once again, in a smoke that was drawn ever towards that haunting piece of land.

They stood on opposite sides of where Ben's coffin had been buried, staring at each other in a brief moment of still, completely unsure of what to do with what they'd just seen. Then, Klaus began to shake, and Vanya darted around the grave site to hold Klaus, his head rolling back. This wasn't a tremor in the hands, but much more like a full body shiver that was lasting. After a moment, Klaus did stop.

"Are you okay?" Vanya asked, reaching out for his pulse.

"I'm okay," Klaus replied, which didn't stop her from pressing her index fingers to the side of his neck. Heartbeat normal, a little fast as far as she could tell. Vanya breathed a sigh of relief, taking a step away. " _ Vanya _ ," Klaus said, acting like her name was odd in his mouth. 

"Yes…?" she asked, puzzled.

Klaus looked away, seeming timid. "I… listen, it's Ben." Vanya's blood ran cold. She looked back at the grave, as if assuming that the soil would be upturned. She didn't want to believe it, but she'd seen what she'd seen. But if that was the case… Did that mean she had powers? It was all too much again. "Hey, don't make that face," Klaus --or Ben--, said gently, using the most concerned tone Vanya had ever heard from that mouth. He paused, before cautiously reaching out to touch her arm, just enough to remind her he was there. "Remember that time I checked out a volume of 'the Boxcar Children' at the library, and we agreed we wanted to be like them?" Vanya tried to wipe the years on her face, but they just kept coming.

"Yeah, and Reginald was angry with us because he wanted us to read the Iliad," she replied with a sniffle. He nodded, squeezing her arm gently.

"It's me, Vanya. But you know I can't stay here, I'm not supposed to," he said.

"No, but you can, please? I'm sure we can work something out with Klaus, if you just--," he shook his head.

"I chose to go to the light because I wanted you all to move on. I was scared, Vanya, and I'm sure you're scared right now too. But you can't be focused on the past with so much in the future." She tried her best to listen, but there was so much going on, it was hard to focus on the genuine words. Knowing she would never hear them again and knowing that she was the only person there to remember, that just made it harder. "Please be strong. For me. There's more at work. They need you, because you are  _ not _ ordinary Vanya, and you need to understand that there is a way out. You are the way out." Vanya covered her mouth, closing her eyes and trying to keep up her composure. He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her. After a moment, Vanya accepted, hugging back. "Five is still out there. There's a whole world, and I need you to see it for me, I need to know that while I didn't plan this death, at least  _ something  _ good came out of it." Vanya wheezed, just feeling sick and grief struck, as time just kept passing and she knew that she surely couldn't have much left. There was no victory to be felt in Five's apparent life, that only brought more questions which was the last thing she needed. "Take care of yourself, and take care of Klaus. God knows he needs it," he said softly, rubbing circles in her back, a small gesture they'd once used to calm each other. It wasn't working. "I'm glad I got to say goodbye." Vanya held him tighter, just needing him to stay, and when nothing happened, she thought maybe she'd been able to make it work, out of some miracle. But then, that hand stopped tracing circles in her back, although the arms remained around her. Her tears felt colder on her face, freezing against the night.

"Sorry I couldn't bring him back for us," Klaus muttered.


End file.
